And with this, the internet became self aware

Via The Daily What.

Happy new year, you guys!

Let’s make 2010 TOTALLY METAL!

By the way, if you’re not watching ‘Metalocalypse’ there is something deeply wrong with you. The above is from the most recent season, from an episode where Toki Wartooth (feline) and Toki Wartooth (animated) became one and the same person. Enjoy!

Talking cats are kind of disturbing

But cute when they are tripping balls. Via Arbroath.

Human Xanax

I mean that as a compliment. I used to watch the almost unbearably dorky Engineers’ Guide To Cats whenever stressed or anxious, and it never failed to make me feel better, because that nice grey-haired engineer loves his kitties, and his sweet-faced young friend loves his kitties, and they made a deeply embarrassing video about their kitties, and all is right in the world. This video has the same effect, only with more unintentional racism and annoyance of cats. The only problem is I could never get the preternaturally calm and food obsessed Toki to yodel. He likes to be held tightly. Weirdo.

Via @monkeh.

Small man with cat

Via Neatorama.

Not a bumblebee

I first met this cord chewing, hotplate sniffing, beetle crunching cat a year ago. He was but an awkward, hyper teenager in a cage in the Lort Smith when I picked him up and he put one mitteny cat hand either side of my neck and half pulled off my glasses with his teeth. I feel like I should throw him a party or something.

He’s named after Toki Wartooth from Metalocalypse. As time has gone on the parallels between original and namesake have become obvious.

Submit with honour, and you will earn a proper burial among your fathers

This shall provide the nourishment needed to brave the crowds awaiting their weekly beetroot ration.

English translations of Warsaw Pact lolcats. The greatest thing I’ve seen since, well, my memory isn’t too hot but this is pretty damned great. Via Defamer.

Special needs

Last night, as I lay prone and useless in front of reruns of ‘House’ on an obnoxiously large television, I heard what sounded like someone walking on the roof. It’d happened before; one early morning one of my neighbours knocked on my door to say they’d heard someone running around on our roofs (rooves?) that night, and when he went out to investigate he’d discovered a man crouched in my front yard, and the yard-croucher ran off and my neighbour called the police. It gives me comfort to know that my neighbours are looking out for me, but it also makes me suspicious of roof-walking sounds, so I went to call Toki in from outside.

But Toki was nowhere to be found. I shook a box of cat food. No cat. My neighbour stuck her head out her door. ‘I think your cat’s on the roof.’

‘But he’s a very small cat,’ I replied. ‘That sounded like someone much heavier.’ She said the houses were old, and I insisted it was some kind of prowler, and then Toki stuck his small, bucktoothed face over the edge of the roof and began mewling pitifully. I tried to talk him down.

‘You got yourself up there, cat, you can get yourself down.’

‘Merf.’

‘Do you want me to find a ladder?’

‘Merf.’

‘Cats are meant to be agile. C’mon, you can do this.’

‘Merf.’

I went back inside and texted my ex about the situation. I contemplated asking him to come over, as he was taller than I and could stand on a chair and retrieve Toki from the roof. As I opened up a new message I heard an almighty crash outside the bedroom window, and Toki ran in, covered in gutter debris, and went straight out the back door. From now on I’ll be making him wear one of those helmets they put on epileptic kids.

Dogs aren’t cute.

My sister emailed me Dooce’s post on cute dog videos, and I received proof positive that just as I should avoid pastels and am genetically intolerant of chilli, I am a 100% cat person. Because those ‘cute’ dog videos creeped me the fuck out.

I mean this one?

The manic little dog is frantically humping the big dog with the restless, unfocused intensity of a meth addict, then another big fluffy dog comes over and barks at the two of them, and how is that not just disturbing?

And then this:

A room full of dogs staring down the camera, Children of the Corn style, slowly wagging their tails, ready to launch themselves at whatever food stuff is thrown on the floor at them. I totally don’t get it. No one is diving into a box or eating broccoli or climbing backwards up stairs or saying ‘nom nom nom’ or suffering from a neurological disorder. They’re all just humping and staring glassily and eating shit from the floor. Dogs are lame.